Most people who read alot of self development theory probably already know this, but I wanted to say this just in case.
When we fail at something most of the time it’s not because of a single great event, but multiple small decisions we took beforehand. Like multiple domino bricks falling over to create something. (meer…)
It’s the last day of my offering value awareness week. I’m kind of tired from sitting behind a computer or laptop for five days straight for atleast 12 hours so shutting this thing down after I post this will be heavenly. (meer…)
I’ve been slacking lately in almost every area in my life and I was kind of bummed
out by it. I think this happened because of a few reasons, but the one I’m talking about in this
quick video right here is probaly one of the bigger ones. It’s a old video I recorded last year, but
I wanted to put it up as a reminder to myself.
Before you read this let me make this clear I’m not a dating specialist of some kind.I’m just a guy who basically went from being really shy and not being able to talk to people I didn’t know to becoming really good at sparking conversations with strangers by pro-actively working on it.
So what I’m about to write is targeted at a specific group of people.
This is for all the socially awkward guys who like myself took controll of their own life and made the decission to work on themself and are willing to go through pain, hummiliation & hardships to better themself in this aspect. If you don’t fall under this category this blog is not for you.
As I said I pro-actively worked on my social skills to get better at communicating in general. I did that by constantly putting myself in situations that put social pressure on myself and learning to deal with them. I’m busy with a study where you have to finish every coarse with a presentation, I started dancing and participated in battles & started sparking up conversations with women in the middle of the day in crowded places and I learned really handy stuff as a result.
So today I want to talk about succes bariers in dating. In other words when the obstical between you and the woman of your dreams is yourself. This is something that can occur when your on the journey of becoming your best self in dating.
These succes barriers can manifest in different ways so I’ll give a few examples
-Not hitting up the numbers you get from girls
-Not stepping up and talk to the girl you like
-Leaving mid-conversation even though everything is going well
-Avoiding long term relationships
In my opinion these succes barriers are there, because we are dealing with the unknown and that scares us. There are many variations maybe it’s your first time getting a number from a girl or the first time you got a number from a girl that seems out of your league.
This esspecially happens when you start to get better at talking to women, because you start to identify with your succes. You no longer see yourself as the socially awkward guy, but as the guy who is good at this and that guy never gets rejected. This perception of yourself can stifle you and prevent you from taking risks, because risks don’t always go in your favor. In these cases instinctively you wil sabotage yourself by not trying, because then you can still tell yourself that if you actually tried you could’ve done it.
So now that we know this how can we blast through these barriers?
I don’t have this perfect how to to break past your barriers, but what I do know is everytime I broke through a barrier ( Which most of the time was followed by the next one) I had to change the way I saw myself. Instead of seeing yourself as good or bad at dating see yourself as someone who ebs and flows between both. That way you won’t get stiffled when you have to take risks and you’ll at peace with your results no matter what they are.
As a bonus a friend of mine just started a new blog you might have seen him in one of my vblogs.
He just uploaded a video I like to share with you.
So I’m sitting on the couch again writing while I try to figure out what I’ll be writing about and….
I got it hahaha. When I was young and I was busy with something challenging. I’d always think about how great it would be to complete it and the feeling after. I didn’t notice untill two years ago, but the day after I would feel good, but there would also be a unpleasant feeling creeping up on me. The same would happen when I failed at something. I would feel really bored.
A few years ago I got really facinated with Sherlock Holmes and the stories written about him and heard that he was based the character on a teacher Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (the writer) used to have who could some of the things Sherlock Holmes did to a way lesser degree though. After learning that you could train your mind like that I started reading a lot about the method of loci a.k.a Sherlocks famous mind palace ( I’ll put a video under the blog that explains what it is) and how it all starts with being mindfull.
So what is mindfullness it’s the state your in where your awereness hightens. This for example happens when you focus on something, but most of the time people aren’t in a state of mindfulness. They’re in a state of mindlesness, because it puts less strain on your brain.
A example of this would be driving a car. When you start learning to drive a car it’s really hard and you have to concentrate on every little thing you do. As time goes by you gather a lot of experience and you start to do stuff on auto pilot. In other words you don’t have to be as mindfull to everything you do while your driving.
It’s a really handy thing, but it’s also the reason boredom comes up. If you would write all the actions you do for a month you’d probaly find out that most of the stuff you do everyday is the same and a result of being on autopilot. This means you rarely do something that exites or challenges you.
True happiness comes from being engaged in something according to the book flow by Mihaly Csikszenmihalyi. I thinks there is some truth this.
What do you think?
An example of the use of the memory palace from BBC’s Sherlock
This Rogier coming at you with a new arcticle containing stuff I deal with out of my awesome life haha. I haven’t posted a blog in a while now and wasn’t even planning on posting this one today because I’m kind busy updating my vlog format, preparing for the launch of my new series of vlogs, school & putting a training together with some friends of mine for a company, but I kind of felt the need to put one up ( cheers for inconsistency haha). Here it is though enjoy!
When you are busy designing your own lifestyle you’re going to have to deal with other people you’re going to need their help or maybe you’re the one helping them. If we look at a macro level what occurs when people interact is the exchange of value.
Value to someone is what he believes that is important for him. Value can manifest itself in different ways for example let’s say your car is broken and someone you know knows how to fix it then that person will have value in your eyes. I call this tangible value, but you can also have non-tangible value a good example of non-tangible value is social value. When you are hanging out with your friends and you are making jokes, or when you have a problem and you need someone to listen to and you are there to listen you provide social value.
When you have a good relationship with someone its always based on an exchange of value. There are also situations that can occur where someone is only taking value and isn’t adding value. This is what we call value leeching. To be around someone that’s leeching value is mentally and physically draining. You kind of get an icky feeling when you are around them. Most of the time they don’t even know that they are doing it.
The reason I made this blog isn’t to get you to become paranoid and always be asking yourself if you are giving value in every situation, but to make it clear that when you are of value a lot more doors will open for you. People will be more willing to help you with your own goals. You might not even have direct value for them, but the fact that you are providing value in some area will make them comfortable.